“Undercooked” was the word of the week, and if you’d a euro for every time it was mentioned by the Virgin Media lads on Saturday evening, you’d have been dining on Wagyu steak and chips for your supper, washing it down with a 1945 Domaine de la Romanée-Conti Grand Cru.
Over in Chicago, though, Andrew Trimble was disputing the notion that Ireland were a bit on the raw side going into “The Rematch”, as the Soldier Field contest with New Zealand had been dubbed.
“I’d say they’re medium rare, which is how I like my steak,” he told Tommy Martin. And he was confident that Andy Farrell would pour his “secret sauce” over the Irish team and they’d be cooked to perfection.
Indeed, so optimistic was Andrew, he’d made a bet with John Kirwan, the New Zealand old boy, who, he said, was a little too “bullish” in the build-up to the game for his liking. The bet? Andrew would go for a swim in Lake Michigan that night if Ireland lost. Tommy had hypothermia even thinking about it.
READ MORE
He had a quick chat with Farrell, “back in the day job” after his loan spell with the Irish (and British) Lions, before handing over to the studio, where confidence wasn’t quite at Andrew levels. There was a good deal of fretting over the age profile of the Irish team, Shane Horgan noting that even the heirs apparent were no spring chickens. “It’s a major issue,” he said.
There wasn’t a Zimmer frame in sight, though, when Ireland took to the field, but the panel wasn’t entirely hopeful about their prospects. “New Zealand,” was Shane’s forecast. ‘New Zealand-ish,’ was Alan Quinlan’s, because “Ireland are undercooked”. ‘Ireland-ish,’ said Rob Kearney. “If you’re emotionally at the pitch, it doesn’t matter how undercooked you are,” he insisted.
(We won’t labour the point here, having already emoted on the subject, but God almighty, that pitch, which looked like something you’d see at the Ploughing Championships, those markings, those boots, those ads. The only sensible way to watch this match was on the radio.)
Anyhow, all was going completely grand until the game approached the third-minute mark, it feeling like in or around 90 minutes later when the ref, who couldn’t find a telly that worked, concluded that Tadhg Beirne deserved a yellow-card for his collision with Beauden Barrett. And you know what they say: it’s hard enough battling the All Blacks with 15 men, never mind having one sinbinned soldier.
It got worse. His card was upgraded to red. Undercooked? You now feared Ireland would be incinerated.
But. The 14 men only went up the pitch and scored a try, 78-year-old Tadhg Furlong going over the line. Jack Crowley converted and Ireland were 10-0 up. Dave McIntyre and Ian Madigan were pinching themselves, Ian chuffed with how Ireland had responded to their little setback. He was particularly impressed with Tommy O’Brien’s early contribution to the effort, telling us that he had the required “repeat-effort top-end speed” for a modern winger. As ever, rugby is a language with which many of us are not familiar.
Granted, New Zealand scored their own try three minutes later, but Ireland were 10-7 up at the break. Shane was euphoric. “They’re cooked!!” But Joe Molloy tried to calm him down. “You suspect New Zealand will come in a big way in the second half.”
The second half? New Zealand came in a big way. Not until after the 60th minute, though, all was well with the world until then. Thereafter? Barbecued.
“Maybe they ARE undercooked,” a glum Alan concluded at full-time. “It felt very much like a pre-2016 performance against the All Blacks,” said Shane, Joe not exactly lifting his spirits by suggesting that “Ireland didn’t defend brilliantly, Ireland didn’t attack brilliantly, lineout continued to wobble”. Apart from that, all went smoothly.
At least the Virgin Media lads could head to the cosy green room for a hot toddy, Wagyu steak and chips. Spare a thought for poor Andrew over in Chicago. He was changing into his Speedos.
