THAT'S MEN:Divorce is on the rise among the over-60s in Britain. Are we going to follow suit, wonders Padgraig O'Morain
Most of us assume that married couples in their 60s and beyond are together for life. Usually we're right.
But the latest figures from the UK show that for an increasing number of older people a visit to a divorce lawyer is on the cards.
The figures show a fall in the number of divorces among UK couples in general. But for these couples' parents - the over-60s - divorce is on the rise.
The rate is still below that of all age groups taken together. Last year, 11.9 divorces were granted for every 1,000 married people. The rate for the older age group was about six times lower: 2.3 divorces per 1,000 men and 1.6 per 1,000 women.
Nevertheless, the "silver divorce" rate, as it's called, is rising and has been for the past 10 years.
Nobody knows quite why this is happening but we can reasonably speculate that the increasing life span has something to do with it. At age 60, we can reasonably hope for another 20 years of life at least.
The spouse who has put up with an unhappy marriage for the sake of the kids may reckon that the sentence has been served and that another couple of decades of unhappiness are out of the question.
This is especially so since old age is increasingly promoted as a time to have fun rather than a time to shuffle between the doctor's surgery and the church. Older men or women may conclude that their chances of having fun with their current partner are so low they'd be better off splitting up.
Dissatisfaction with life and the impact of retirement may also fuel this trend. Research in the US suggests that men in their late 40s and upwards are generally more satisfied with their lot than women. Specifically, in their 60s men tend to be happier with their family life than women.
Does this relative unhappiness and dissatisfaction among women lead some of them towards separation and divorce? Certainly, I doubt if it makes for marital harmony.
Retirement changes everything, too. People who could only stand each other because work kept them apart for eight hours a day are suddenly thrown together with no escape. If one decides to settle down for life with the remote control while the other wants to get out and about and do things, there's trouble ahead.
But separation and divorce after 60 can be a messy business. Adult children who assume that mammy and daddy will always be there like bricks in the wall may be shocked and angry.
There are, of course, cases in which adult children have encouraged one partner to escape from the other partner's abuse. Otherwise, though, there is a danger that the spouse who is seen to have deserted the family home, so to speak, will be boycotted by some or all of the children.
Will both members of the separated couple be able to see their grandchildren? How will this be arranged? What happens during family events at which you would normally expect both grandparents to turn up together? Dealing with all these issues requires a certain amount of emotional maturity on the part of the whole extended family.
And in some families emotional maturity is a rare commodity indeed.
Then there is the question of inheritance. People have expectations that they will one day benefit from their parents' sad demise. But what if mammy and daddy have split and one or the other has a new partner? Who gets what then? And what, perish the thought, if the new partner also has children who also have an eye on what will be coming their way?
Apart from these scenarios, separation and divorce after 60 is, I would have thought, especially shocking for a partner who didn't see it coming. Perhaps this partner had expectations of what the couple would do following retirement.
Now the expectations are shattered and at a stage of life at which starting over is far more challenging than before.
But if we follow the UK trend we can expect more spouses and their families to have to face up to the challenges posed by silver divorce, however unwelcome it may be.
• Padraig O'Morain is a counsellor. His book, That's Men - the best of the 'That's Men' column from The Irish Times, is published by Veritas
