‘At our engagement party, my partner’s sister announced she had gotten engaged too’

Question

A couple of weeks ago, my partner and I got engaged. It was a long-planned event in some ways (the only bit I did not know was when I would be actually asked) and there was a lot of organisation that went into it. It was really beautiful and meaningful and there was a photographer hidden to take photographs, and my partner organised for both our families and some good friends to be at a brunch venue to celebrate. The day was beautiful too and I felt like I had special sunshine just for me for this special day.

But then it started to go downhill. As we were clinking champagne glasses and everyone was saying lovely things about us, my partner’s sister said that she had an announcement too and she told us that she had gotten engaged too. My family and friends all paused and looked a bit stunned, but then recovered and congratulated her and gave her lots of attention. I was blindsided and I admit I was angry at her usurping our special moment.

Her own family, including my partner, took it in their stride as if they were used to this and continued on with the day, but they did try to make excuses for her. I have not spent much time with my partner’s family and now I am realising why he has kept them at bay, but I am worried.

What if she has another “limelight” moment at the wedding or any other time in our lives?

‘Although my current job has a structured career path and is secure, I find it meaningless’

‘I am divorced at 60, envious of my ex-husband’s new life and struggling with loneliness’

‘I’m dating a previously married man but I feel sad that I will always come second to his children’

‘A stranger entered our family and turned them all against us’

I don’t want to resent her, but, if I’m honest, this may already be happening.

I also have questions about the rest of his family and their casualness about how she usurped our day.

Answer

It was very disappointing for you to feel that your special day had a blip in it, but, ultimately, the real point of the day is that you celebrated your engagement with all the important people in you and your partner’s lives.

If this event was a once-off for your partner’s sister, she could be forgiven for being carried away by the excitement of the moment, but from what you say, this was not an isolated event and you may well need to address some issues. These are your partner’s family’s issues and as you are becoming his life partner, you will be affected by their family patterns, but you will also have an influence on future interactions.

The starting point is to engage with your partner about his family and his insights and reflections on their story. The danger here is that you bring resentment or criticism to this discussion, and this will push him into either defending his family or feeling that he is betraying them.

[ My friend is in a miserable relationship that she won’t leaveOpens in new window ]

Letting go of your own resentment is key to having an open and wide-ranging discussion and to do this you will need to accept fully everything that has happened and catch your own fear of future interruptions. You might take an approach of curiosity as this might help you seek understanding before you come to any concrete ideas of what is happening. Your fiancé is best placed to help you develop a compassionate and generous approach to his family and this will serve you well in all future interactions with them.

Most of us know that the best way to get us to change anything is when people believe in us and can see our potential to reach beyond our normal capacity. This is what you are looking for here – both for your partner and his sister.

Can you help your partner see that he might find a sensitive and perceptive way to engage with his sister around allowing him have the limelight for a day? He might (with your support) give his sister enough attention and care that she does not feel the need to grab it inappropriately. As with all such endeavours it is fraught with potential setbacks, but with patience and faith a lot can be achieved.

When you are in love, as you are now, you are usually infused with extra capacity and benevolence, and this is an excellent time to spread some of that good nature around. Right now, your influence on others should be full of optimism and kindness and if you and your partner both put energy into engaging with his sister it might be the best chance you get for positive change.

[ ‘My lovely husband has changed . . . and I am one of the people he has pushed away’Opens in new window ]

It is worth a try and at worst you will have challenged your own resentment and elevated your partner’s capacity for compassion. It is crucial that you have the best possible attitude to your partner’s family, as your partner will thrive if there are good relationships between you and them. So much of our attitude is determined by choice, if only we can see that a choice exists.

Choose openness and kindness and this will allow you to thoroughly enjoy this lovely time in your life and you might even develop a lighter approach to your future sister-in-law and this will leave you free and unburdened.