Dear Roe,
My partner has brought up their concerns over not having enough sex throughout the week. As a victim of sexual assault, I have told them that it can be difficult for me. How can I take on their concerns regarding sex, while also being sensitive to my own trauma?
I’m going to admit, my back is up immediately. Something that I’ve been watching with absolute dismay is how the rhetoric around sex positivity is being absorbed, weaponised and spat back out by some people as plain old sexual entitlement, disguised in progressive language. Sex positivity is a philosophy that respects everyone’s sexuality and doesn’t judge others for their sexual orientations, desires or actions as long as it’s safe and consensual. Sex positivity has been incredibly important in undoing the shame that has surrounded sex for so long, and the ways in which people have been encouraged to judge and shame themselves and other people, as a means of control and oppression.
Conversations around sex positivity can include giving people permission to prioritise sex and sexual pleasure, whether that’s encouraging individuals to enjoy masturbation without shame, and telling busy couples that they are allowed carve out time for sex and schedule opportunities to have sex in the same way we schedule watching our favourite television shows or having dates — not so that people feel obligated to have sex “on schedule” if they don’t want to, but that they have saved time to connect in whatever way feels good for them at the time. I have, in the past, included suggestions like that in my advice to people, believing that it was obvious that telling people that sex is an important, joyous, pleasurable part of life that they are allowed to value absolutely does not mean that the desire for sex means you automatically have a right to partnered sex, or that the sexual desire of one person ever overrides the boundaries of another person. I increasingly fear that this was naïve, or maybe it has been clear, but some people will just find any way to justify entitlement.
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Perhaps your partner is indeed being respectful and gentle and approaching the topic with care and compassion, which is wonderful
When people have sex, they have the right for that sex to be consensual and hopefully pleasurable – but partnered sex itself is not a right, or an entitlement. No one has a right to have sex with anyone else. That is the attitude that has created and perpetuated rape culture, including the support of institutionally supported sexual violence such as marital rape which was only made illegal in Ireland in 1991; and male entitlement to sex, which is being encouraged in a new generation of men by incel communities and misogynistic public figures such as Andrew Tate.
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He began playing for a local team recently and, initially, I was delighted – the coach is a lovely man and the other volunteers are all very fine people.","type":"text"},{"_id":"2T74UVBUBNCDJECUZH37BQSFEE","additional_properties":{},"content":"For background, my own family is one of girls and so I had no experience of, or knowledge of, football as we were all more focused on music and drama growing up. I am horrified at what goes on at matches, and I am mostly talking about the spectators, who are probably other parents.","type":"text"},{"_id":"CDIBUF6VBJATBDGQ52LPFJ6KOE","additional_properties":{},"content":"I was at a game a few weeks ago and a player pushed another player to the ground (off the ball, as I was later told) and this was being managed by the ref when a man ran on to the pitch shouting the most foul language at the child who did the pushing. This was backed up by cheering and shouting by other spectators and I even saw a linesman being spat at.","type":"text"},{"_id":"542ZNFU24NF5LGFPWKBRC3MTIY","additional_properties":{},"content":"Honestly, I am shocked and really upset that these children are being exposed to this appalling behaviour at such a young and impressionable age. I spoke to my partner about this and he just said that our son will get used to it and learn to handle it, as he himself has done. We have fought a lot about this in the last couple of weeks and I know my son wants me to stop talking about it so that his football isn’t affected, but I am tempted to pull him out of this sport as it normalises such awful behaviour.","type":"text"},{"_id":"LVSV35WE5NGBZFRED74BALOZAE","additional_properties":{},"content":"I feel that I am supporting a system that trivialises abuse, but my husband and son just want me to back off.","type":"text"},{"_id":"I3NZA2DSMVDGFLNMUMLT2247TA","additional_properties":{},"content":"Answer","type":"header"},{"_id":"QJ3FWLIY5REZXHKRBFCQ7ZX3NI","additional_properties":{},"content":"The really good side of this story is that people who are passionate about football are volunteering to train young teams and give a lot of their time and energy to training and managing these children. This is very good role-modelling as these coaches will have a huge influence on the lives of the children, much more than the spectators.","type":"text"},{"_id":"UFZHZDDXHRECFB5AKNE7KDC57Q","additional_properties":{},"content":"If you trust the leaders of the team to uphold strong values, then you can continue to send your son to practice and games knowing that he is in the care of thoughtful and good people. ","type":"text"},{"_id":"NCCMSWNFE5E3BJEHF7RWRADVQE","additional_properties":{},"content":"However, not tackling the abusive behaviour on the sidelines is not an option either as it will leave you feeling victimised and frustrated. Perhaps you could talk to the coaches and ask if they (with your help) would organise a town-hall meeting of all concerned, this should include the local community, parents, teachers and football lovers.","type":"text"},{"_id":"HN3SFRDO3ZCYRBXPJZCLZHMUZA","additional_properties":{},"content":"‘I am a stay-at-home mother and completely addicted to my phone’","type":"interstitial_link"},{"_id":"O4XUUOA3TVCXHHYCK2WVSB3TC4","additional_properties":{},"content":"This group of people could come up with an action plan that might include lobbying the football association, monitoring games to see exactly what is happening and coming up with a plan to change the culture (at least at a local level). You will need to include people like your husband in this group as he is invested in the game and presumably wants a safe place for his son to grow his love of the sport.","type":"text"},{"_id":"KWPGRDFP65BZLEYVUFZ3F4WORM","content":"